The Waiting Dark
by uncer giedd geador
Summary: They never mention their father. Thorin and Fíli remember him; Kíli does not. His brother and uncle prefer it that way. There are some things the young should never have to know.
1. Prologue

**A WARNING: this story will have some dark underlying themes in it. That's why I'm writing it. I work with, know and love people with stories like this one, and the nature of the stories means that for their protection I cannot talk about any of it. And so that I can try and understand it, and others can try too, I have written this. So if you don't want to read about unhappy childhoods, don't, especially if it will trigger something. I really don't want to be responsible for that.**

_For all my kids – may you ever be loved. _

Prologue

From outside the door Thorin can hear the cries echoing, and for a moment he hesitates as to whether to go in. But really he has no choice. He is their uncle, after all.

Kíli is curled up in the corner of the bed, wrapped tight in the sheets and shaking. Thorin sits down beside him carefully, but does not reach out to comfort him, as he wants to.

"Kíli? Kíli? Shush, it's just a dream, just a dream…"

Fíli has been sick for two days now, and it's wearing down all of them. Dís is with him now, as he sleeps, and Thorin has been left in charge of Kíli, both barred access to the sick room.

"Kíli?" He brushes his hand over the top of the tousled head, just sticking out of the blankets. It withdraws at once as Kíli curls up further, whimpering.

It's been hard, the last few months. Thorin has endured many things, but this is a new one. But he has a duty to do, as king, as uncle, and, now that their father is gone, more than an uncle.

He wouldn't say father. His sister-sons would accept no replacement for that role.

"Kíli?" He asks softly again. "Are you awake?"

The child snuffles, buried even further under the covers. Thorin thinks he is awake now. Kíli worries him. Fíli worries him too, but Kíli worries him more. Dwarf children are rare and precious, ones of his line even more so, but Kíli is… behind. Thorin struggles to remember his sister son's precise age at that moment, but he knows the lad is well past the stage when he should be speaking. The first word – it was an important ceremony in a young dwarf's life. And it hadn't happened yet. Fíli's, he remembered, had been 'king', though he had to admit that that had not been without some prompting from him. But he had certainly been far younger then than his brother was now. But times have been hard of late – he's sure the child will catch up in the end.

The mess of blankets is shaking. Thorin doesn't try addressing it again, instead shifting closer and starting to sing a lullaby in a low voice.

The shaking subsides slowly as Kíli, still unwilling to show his face, gives in and sinks slowly into the arms of sleep. Thorin keeps on singing, soft voice echoing around the chamber as he watches over the youngest of his line.

"_Far over the Misty Mountains cold…"_

They'll get there in the end.


	2. Ill Tidings

**Thanks for all the reviews I've had so far. The story actually kicks off a little here…**

**Note on relative dwarf-human ages: I haven't been able to find any guidance about this anywhere (apart from the fact that Thorin and Frerin are fighting in battle at 50), so I've chosen to have dwarf child ages correspond roughly to human ones in the early stages, partly because that is what I know best, especially in the context of this story, but mostly because of the pity I would feel for poor Dís if Fíli and Kíli spent 10 years each as toddlers.**

Chapter One – Ill Tidings

_Two years earlier…_

When he closes his eyes the images are seared on the inside of his eyelids, like the marks new-forged iron leaves on an oaken table. Even when he opens them again the images still hover before him accusingly, as though he's been looking into the sun too long.

They were too late. The battle had been and gone.

Not much of a battle though, truly. More of a slaughter. His people had been taken by surprise, and so had he. Only they were the ones who had paid for it. But they had taken up their axes and fought nonetheless. He could tell old Hrothar had gone down with a war cry on his lips, with his sons beside him.

The place had been burning when they got there. He remembers stumbling through the smoke. Perhaps it's because the tableau had been backlit by fires that it's imprinted on his mind so clearly – the mother clutching her two young sons, and the blood pooling round. Or perhaps it's just because it echoes the nightmares in his mind.

Beside him his companion walks in shadows, half-real, half-imagined. He stumbles on unseen stones and yet goes on in silence. Thorin is glad, because it's better than the keening. Just. He doesn't know how to think. The broken figure beside him is the closest he has to a brother right now, as far as family's concerned, yet he needs to deal with this himself before he can truly begin to help him.

And with that he thinks bitterly that he is failing his family once again.

They will send out scouts. They will send out war-parties, when they know which direction they have taken. They will pay the price back in blood.

Beside him his brother-in-law just stares out into the waiting dark.

* * *

Fíli rushes to greet them as soon as they come in, a small dark head bobbing along after him. Fíli latches himself to his father's knees, heedless of how he falters, and Kíli follows suit with his uncle, chuckling, though his arms aren't long enough to reach even half the way round. Thorin sighs internally. One day his sister sons will learn what bad news looks like when it knocks on the door.

Perhaps that day will be today.

Dís approaches them. "Thorin…?" She's been waiting two days now.

"It was a raid" he says, with a heavy heart. "Men, we think. Outlaws."

Dís looks between his eyes and those of her unspeaking husband. "Did…?"

"All dead." Thorin closes his eyes, his thoughts going back to the day on which he had lost his own brother faster than a snapping string, and then further back to his father's and grandfather's losses too. He knows his sister's mind is also there. As for where his brother-in-law's mind is he cannot say. A father, two brothers, a sister-in-law and two young sons, only a little older than Fíli – gone. An entire family, gone like that. That's the trouble with the smaller, outlying mines. Briefly Thorin tries to put himself in that place, and has to wrench himself back away from the empty desperate yearning in his heart. That will not be. He will not let it happen.

Fíli watches as his father slumps down in a chair, some sense of recognition forming. Dís kneels next to her stunned husband as her youngest son watches with wide eyes.

Thorin takes Fíli to one side.

"Is Lori dead?"

"They're all dead." Thorin at once wishes he hadn't spoken so bitterly to the child. "Fíli, I need you to listen to me." Round eyes fix on his. "This is going to be a hard time for your father, and your mother. You must do your best to look after your brother, for me. Keep him safe and well. He's too young to understand."

Fíli nods gravely, and it looks strange for one so young. Thorin nods in return and in recognition. Their family has a terrible history of keeping brothers safe. He hopes Fíli will do better than him, who has failed a second time tonight. He turns back to his little sister to try and keep that thought at bay.

"Dís…? Should I stay…?"

"Go." She says firmly. "They'll need you. The people."

Thorin embraces her and leaves. He cannot bear to meet the empty eyes.


	3. Crumbling

**Thank you to all those who've given their support so far via reviews etc. It's always good to get feedback and know people are interested. A bit more of the boys in this one (yay!) – hope that suits!**

Chapter Two - Crumbling

He visits them when he can - which more or less means when his duties allow, and is not often enough for Thorin's tastes. Dís looks drawn, worn down, and the boys are quieter than he remembers. The house echoes, and the shadows in the corners appear darker than they ever have before.

Dís shoos the children out of the house to play in the sun before turning to answer his question.

"Where's-?"

"Out drinking." It's midday.

Thorin shrugs. It's only been a month or two, after all, and he remembers wanting to do just the same himself at some points in his life, this one included. He'd been having reports come in, and knows that the little family now had no working bread-winner, but he made sure to see to it that they were provided for. Dís knew, and he knew she knew. Neither of them ever mentioned it though, especially not in front of the boys, and especially not in front of her husband. He had probably guessed by now anyway.

Shafts of sunlight come through the open window, accompanied by Fíli's yells as he chases his little brother round and round, always threatening to catch him but always letting him slip away. Thorin picks up an abandoned ale bottle from beside the chair he's sitting on and rolls it absent-mindedly between his fingers.

"It's destroyed him, Thorin."

He tries desperately to think of something to reassure her with, and then to sound reassuring when he says it. "He'll come round. They all do in the end." They had. "He still has you, he still has a family left. He can see that. He has to. We just have to wait."

* * *

"Uncle?"

"Yes, Fíli?"

Fíli looks at the ground, as if unsure whether this is something he should be sharing or not. "Ma and Da argued last night. Da was drunk."

Thorin wraps his arm round his shoulders. "He will not have meant it, Fíli. Your Da has lost a lot recently…"

"We lost them too! They-"

Thorin looks him steadily in the eyes as the child blinks away tears. Fíli had been close to his cousins. "Imagine if you lost your Ma and Da and Kíli and me, all on the same day. That's what it's like for your father right now."

Fíli sniffles. He had been scared, and he'd had to pretend he hadn't been scared, because Kíli had climbed into his bed and _he'd_ been scared.

"What should I tell Kíli?"

His uncle twists his fingers in his beard, trying to think. With no children of his own he's not well-versed in what to do in these situations, but knows that Fíli needs reassuring as much as his brother does. "Tell him that all is well. Tell him what I told you." He catches himself. "But not about losing everyone. Do not tell him that."

Fíli still looks dubious and Thorin squeezes his shoulder. "It will all be alright soon, I promise."

The fair head nods. Fíli knows it is not a true promise. He had made exactly the same promise to his brother the night before.

* * *

"Thorin."

"Dís?"

"I came to tell you. We're moving."

"Moving?"

"I think it is for the best. He… he needs space, Thorin. Everyone, everything, keeps reminding him…"

"You're not going far, are you?" That was how all this had started, after all, in that isolated little northern settlement. They were safer together. They were all he had left to look after, and he knew he would lose everything rather than them.

"No, just further up the mountain. Not that far from here."

Thorin nods grimly. "When?"

"Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? Dís-"

"I know, brother. It's only for a few months, perhaps a year or two at most. There's clearer air up there and things he'll have to do and space for the children to play and… fewer memories. We'll come back when he's recovered. It should be easier up there. You can see that, can't you Thorin?"

Thorin gives his permission. He can't exactly say no.

* * *

"Why are we going away?"

"To help your father get better."

Fíli cocks his head to one side. "Are you coming with us, Uncle Thorin?"

"I'm king, Fíli. I have to stay here."

"And look after everyone?"

"Yes." Not that he's doing the best job of it, he privately admits.

"Will I have to do that one day? Will I have to leave Ma and Kíli to come and be king?"

Thorin suppresses a smile. "I'm sure you can bring them with you."

Fíli smiles at this idea. "Will you come up and see us? Look after us?"

"You're the one looking after them now."

"Me?"

"While your father's sick." Thorin sighs. His chosen heir is far too young for this, but it's what the world has brought upon them. And he knows that Fíli is already wiser than his years. He can see it in the way he looks at his parents and his little brother.

"But you will… you will come see us?"

"Of course I will. As often as I can."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

* * *

**Just generally hoping I'm writing the Durins right here, particularly Thorin and young Fíli. Comments/critiscism would be good. And if you're lucky you might actually get to _see_ Kíli in the next chapter...**


	4. Recriminations

**My thanks again to those who gave their thoughts. Look, I've even written a longer chapter!**

Chapter Three – Recriminations

They're less than a day's journey away, yet Thorin hardly ever seems to visit. There is much to be done, and besides, he has a feeling they would rather be left alone. Or at least that's the impression Dís had given him, her fretful anxiety barely concealed as she calmly conveyed her wish to move to him. Her wish or her husband's? He still isn't sure.

The first time he dares go he finds a small cottage with a well laid out garden and a threshold that's been scrubbed until it shines. The small child who leads him in is less well-scrubbed, covered with grime and carting an armload of kindling. Thorin smiles as Fíli attempts to greet him properly and sweeps him up into a hug, firewood and all, before he can get any further than 'king'. Up here in the fresh mountain air, between family, titles are null and void as far as Thorin is concerned.

Inside the kitchen is in good order, with a warm fire blazing on the hearth, which makes Thorin feel a lot better about the whole affair. The hunched figure next to the fire makes no move to greet him, but Dís drops the bowl she's holding in surprise.

"Thorin! You should have sent word you were coming!" She embraces him somewhat stiffly, possibly because he hasn't put her son down yet. Fíli squeaks in between them, trying to maintain his dignity and failing.

Thorin lowers him down and he scampers away. "I'll go find Kíli!"

"You shouldn't have come so far." The voice comes from the hearthside, and Thorin smiles at Dís at the sound. She's right. This is working. He sits by the fire himself, his sister following him over, a cup of ale in her hand ready to offer him.

"So, what is life like up here? It seems very homey." Secretly, Thorin almost wishes that he could stay. Affairs have been wearing him down of late. Early spring on the mountain heights and the good company of his kin (not to mention his sister's lavish hospitality) would help with that. The idea is a tempting one.

"Peaceful. Not too many guests."

Never mind. There are those trade-agreements that need seeing to, after all.

Dís steps in hastily to try and salvage her husband's statement. "Not you, of course, Thorin. Family are always welcome."

"I'm sorry I could not send word beforehand. I was passing this way and thought it was time I came and saw how you were faring."

"Well."

Thorin nods at this taciturn yet succinct response, and Dís elaborates again. "It is lovely up here. The boys love the mountainside. But I do think they miss some of their friends, Fíli especially. Perhaps they could stay with you a little while, Thorin?"

Thorin opens his mouth to give a hesitant affirmative (he's not sure he's willing to be responsible for both his sister's sons, who have always struck him as rather a handful when left together), but is interrupted before he can begin. "I like them here, Dís. I need to see them." Thorin thinks he can hear the echo – _I don't want to lose anybody else. _

As if on cue Fíli comes back in, his younger brother trailing behind him, thumb planted firmly in his mouth. Fíli gently tries to pull it out, then gives up and settles for brushing the cobwebs out of his brother's hair instead.

"Where was he?"

"Under the bed."

Kíli looks up at his uncle with round eyes and shuffles away towards his mother. Dís wraps her arms around him. "You shouldn't hide under the bed, love." Kíli just continues to suck his thumb, burying his head in her arms.

"Go outside and play."

Fíli nods and lifts his little brother up in his arms, obeying his father's command. The tense silence extends until the outer door is pushed back into place.

"Have you caught them yet?"

Thorin sighs, knowing who is being referred to. "No. We still do not know who carried out the raid. Balin suspects it was bandits, as you know, and fears that they have long since vanished off into the hills."

"Or back to one of their cities."

"I cannot condone an attack on a city of men. Not even for this. We have no proof."

Teeth grind together, and the dwarf opposite him takes a swig of something from the bottle clenched in his fist. "Do something about it, Thorin. Or what good are you as king if you can't even keep your own family safe?"

* * *

"Uncle Thorin?" Fíli is standing hesitantly outside the door and draws his uncle to one side as soon as he comes out.

"Yes?"

"I thought… I wanted to tell you something. I-" The child casts a glance towards the door. A shadow appears in the corner of Thorin's vision, and he turns to see his brother-in-law there, hefting his youngest son up into his arms. Kíli stretches out a hand towards his brother.

"Were you just saying goodbye to your uncle, Fíli?"

"Yes. I… I was going to tell him how nice it was up here and how… and how everything's alright."

His father ruffles his hair. Fíli is getting the hang of this comforting game.

"See, no need to worry, Thorin." Kíli's father holds his squiggling son tighter to allow him to embrace the other with his free arm. "We're doing fine. Aren't we, Fíli?"

Fíli nods dutifully. "We're doing fine, Uncle Thorin. Everything's alright."

For some reason, Fíli's words do more than Dís' ever could, and Thorin suddenly feels the lull of peace and security settle around his shoulders, drawing the weight off them. His family are safe and happy. He is worrying unnecessarily, just as he had hoped. They will be back with him before long, once his brother-in-law's thoughts have turned aside from vengeance and settled down in simmering grief.

He swings himself onto his pony, glancing wistfully back at the family tableau behind him. Fíli seems frozen in place as he watches him leave, but Kíli is still wriggling, and Thorin is suddenly glad that he hadn't been saddled with the lad to take home. He loves his youngest sister-son, truly, but Kíli unnerves him sometimes. Fíli, with his adult airs, he finds a lot easier to get along with. But Kíli will grow, and besides, Thorin has to admit that he is fond of that mix of childish innocence and mischief, even if he's been seeing less of it of late. With that thought he digs his heels in and sets off back down the steep path, the harsh shout from behind ringing in his ears.

"And remember what I said, Thorin!"


	5. Sickness

**This is a bit bitty, but hey, I get to see my kids soon. :)**

**Also, I love you all for your ability to read between the lines. It's a useful skill in life. **

Chapter Four – Sickness

Thorin has left the little family alone for a few months, unable to face that belligerent stare again. When he does return its mid-afternoon on a fine day, and he's hoping, guiltily, that only Dís and her sons are home. He's right on one count.

"Thorin!" His little sister hugs him tenderly.

Thorin returns it, holding her close. "You're wrapped up warm for a spring day."

"It's cold up in the mountains, and I'm not like you men." Dís pulls her shawl down further over her arms. "Come, let's sit outside."

They exchange all the usual pleasantries, but as for the issue… well, Thorin doesn't want to ask and he can tell his sister doesn't want to tell him. The most he gets out of her is that 'He's more active now. The three of them are out at the moment, in the field.' The cottage came with a small mountain farm, all steep slopes and thin soil, but it was enough to keep the family fed. And occupied.

Thorin is relating the latest news when the rest of their family return, and Dís at once scurries inside to find food and drinks.

"Afternoon." He says affably, and gets a nod from his brother-in-law in reply. Fíli smiles shyly at him, glancing between the two adults. Thorin picks him up and swings him round, noting as he does so that his sister's eldest has become significantly heavier, but when he turns to do the same for Kíli he finds the boy has already slipped inside.

When Thorin follows he finds Dís cutting a seedcake, the first slice already disappearing into a sticky mouth. Thorin stops and examines the youngest of his line more carefully. A large bruise is darkening his left cheek, at the stage between purple and green. "What did you do to your face, Kíli? You're not getting into fights already, are you?"

Kíli just stares back at him, shying away slightly.

"His idiot brother decided to take him tree-climbing." Fíli's father ruffles his eldest son's hair. "Didn't you?"

Fíli nods stiffly.

Thorin laughs, reminded of himself at that age. "You're supposed to be taking care of him, remember?"

"I'm trying!" At the sound of his brother's anguished protest Kíli slips over to his side, sliding a sticky hand into his and offering him the remains of his seedcake. Fíli smiles and accepts the gooey relic in good faith. Smiling too at the exchange Thorin claims his own slice, just catching the worried look on his sister's face.

"Don't worry. He'll learn to hang on eventually. You did."

Dís just gives him a tight smile.

* * *

A small figure slips into the house ahead of him, and Thorin catches a glimpse of blond hair. But when he steps forward to follow he finds his path blocked. "You can't come in."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Dís and Kíli are sick."

"Sick? Can I see them?"

"No. It's contagious. It's alright – it's nothing fatal. They're just sick."

"Have you summoned a healer?"

His brother-in-law gives him a scathing look. "He says it will be fine. Daily medicine, a week's rest, he says."

"You should have sent a message."

"Dís wouldn't let me. Says you would just have worried, and there was no point. You can't come in anyway, and it'll pass soon enough."

Thorin feels he has to agree with the sense in his sister's decision. "How's Fíli?"

"Fine."

"Are you keeping him apart from them?"

"Of course."

"I will take him back with me for a few days."Thorin stresses the 'will'. "If that would help."

Hesitation, then, "It would."

* * *

"How long do I have to stay with you for, Uncle Thorin?"

"Only a few days."

Fíli shifts on the pony in front of him. "Then I can go straight back?"

"Of course. They'll both be fine, Fíli. In a few days Kíli will be running around ready to play with you again. In the meantime it will be easier for your Da if he doesn't have to look after you as well."

"I could help look after them."

"But I don't want you getting sick too."

Fíli makes no reply.

* * *

"Can I go back soon?"

"You've only been here a day, Fíli. Don't you want to see spend a bit more time with your friends down here?"

Fíli shrugs. "If I have to stay longer will you teach me something?"

"Teach you what?"

The lad looks him in the eye. "How to use a knife."

Thorin tries not to laugh, because actually he's quite proud. "Why a knife?"

"It's little and I can carry it."

"Yes, but why?"

"In case someone tries to hurt us. Ma and Kíli and me."

Thorin frowns. The loss of his paternal uncles and cousins has affected Fíli more than he'd realised.

"Ma says I'm too young for weapons." Fíli says softly. "Even a knife."

Thorin clasps his hand. "A Durin is never too young for weapons. Come, I'll see what I can find you."

* * *

"I've got to go back. I've got to go back and look after them."

Thorin shakes his head firmly. He loves Fíli for caring so much, but personally he's getting close to exasperation point. "Your father hasn't sent word yet."

"But I need to go back!"

"Fíli, I know you want to help, but you're helping them more here. I promised your father that you could stay with me at least five days."

"But I don't want to." The small dwarf replies quietly, so quietly that Thorin does not hear.

* * *

"Thorin! Thorin!" Balin's desperate voice fills the chamber, as the crash of the door reverberates. "Thorin, he's gone!"

"Who? Who's gone?"

"Fíli!"

"Fíli?" Thorin blinks sleep out of his eyes, feeling like a blind idiot.

"He must have run off in the night. Thorin-"

He feels that same sense of fear and family pride again. Family fear too, now he thinks about it. "I'll go find him." He already knows where he will be.

* * *

Fíli is already back by the time he reaches the cottage, and refuses to come out. Thorin has to talk to his father instead.

"I suppose he had better stay here then." If Thorin didn't know better, he would have thought that was triumph in the other dwarf's voice. "They are nearly recovered anyway."

"Yes." Thorin pauses, trying to see in through the crack in the curtained window. "He's a good son, you know. I wish I had one like him." He means it truly.

He cannot quite make out the emotion behind the grunt he gets in return, but it unsettles him.


	6. When the bough breaks

**If you didn't read the warnings at the start, now would be a ****very**** good time to do so.**

Chapter Five – When the Bough Breaks

"Uncle! Uncle!"

Thorin looks up in surprise. It's early evening, he's just finished a council meeting, and the last thing he's expecting to see is Dwalin turn up with his eldest sister-son in tow.

"We found him near the gate-"

"Uncle-!" Fíli breaks down into desperate exhausted sobs. He's obviously come to some effort to find him, but now he's here the words just won't seem to come. He doesn't have the breath for it. Thorin takes in the dried blood on the side of his head, and the funny angle he's holding his arm at.

"Fíli?! What is it?" Thorin kneels down in front of him, holding both his hands and looking him straight in the eye. "What's happened?"

"Da… Da… He's going to kill them! I couldn't, I couldn't…"

"It's fine. It's going to be fine." Thorin tells him, and himself too. He can hear Dwalin already shouting orders, gathering a party. He tries to breathe. "It's going to be fine."

* * *

It's the fastest he's ever got to the cottage. Fíli rides with them, because he screams so loudly when they try to leave him behind, and they have no time to spare. When they get there Balin has to leap off and grab the child before he runs straight through the door. Thorin enters first instead, and wishes he hadn't.

His little sister is curled up on the floor beside the fire, motionless. Rushing over, Thorin finds months' worth of bruises on her arm, and, more importantly, a pulse. A sickening sense of guilt is already beginning to settle on his mind, before it's taken over entirely by pure blood rage.

Kitchen, pantry - nothing. Bursting into a bedroom he finds a pair of wide eyes hiding in a corner before a blow to the back of his shoulder knocks him sideways. Wheeling, Thorin parries the axe blow with his sword, backed into the wall. Another parry and then suddenly his opponent is also backing away, back towards the corner.

"Don't you dare touch him again." Thorin growls, still trying to get his breath back from the blow. Something rips in his mind as he watches the youngest member of his family scramble to dodge a backwards kick. He charges forward, but _he _lets out a yell first, and looking down Thorin sees a small knife sticking out of his attacker's calf and a blonde head streaking towards the corner. He swings again and sees the other dwarf trip as he tries to dodge it, sprawling out on the floor. Thorin raises his sword with hardly a thought, but breaks off the death blow as a high wordless cry cuts through the air, accompanied by Fíli's yell. "DA!"

Thorin takes a shuddering gasp and drops the sword. Dwalin pushes past him and closes in on the figure on the floor as Thorin scoops up his sister-sons and bundles them outside. "Not so much of a fighter when you're not up against helpless children, are you?"

Kíli's still screaming and Fíli grabs him out of their uncle's arms, retreating to the corner. Thorin's gaze moves desperately between the pair and their mother, whose body is now being cradled by Balin.

"Ma… Ma?" Fíli is torn too.

"She's alive, Fíli." Thorin watches the small figure slump back, still cradling his brother. He tries to get closer, to see how badly Kíli is hurt, but the child just screams when he gets too close and Fíli pushes him away frantically. "I need to see if he's alright, Fíli…"

"No! Don't touch him! Don't-" Thorin can't distinguish which sobs are his and which are his brother's, and backs away. Wordlessly he passes him a blanket to wrap Kíli in.

"Here." Dwalin extends a small flask, passing it to Thorin to pass to Fíli whilst keeping his distance. "It'll numb it all, knock him out."

Thorin takes a sniff of it as he hands it over, the sharp tang permeating the mists of rage still whirling in his mind. Fíli just looks at the bottle dubiously. "Uncle…?"

"It will help." Thorin tells him firmly. And it's the best way he can think of for getting them back down to civilisation without too much of a fuss.

Fíli nods, and his uncle notices that Kíli accepts the liquor off his brother without even blinking, compliance speaking of the trust that he will not give Thorin.

He motions to Fíli. "You too." But Fíli's determined eyes tell him this is a lost cause.

It's a far slower journey back down. Fíli will not relinquish his awkward hold on his sleeping brother, and so Thorin has to hold both of them before him on his pony, his gaze constantly drawn back to his sister and Dwalin. He's already sent a messenger ahead to fetch a healer – the one female healer they have. He can already tell that Dís and her sons will brook no unknown male company. He'll be lucky if they let _him_ in. So he relishes the boys' warmth in his arms as they ride the last mile, hoping against hope that they will still have at least one parent when he gets them there. He doesn't want to lose the only family he's got left.

Fíli shakes silently in his arms like a sapling in a gale, and Thorin wonders if perhaps he's already lost them.

**Sorry. Like I said, I'm just trying to understand. :(**


	7. Waiting

**Hehe. General angst. Thanks for all the encouragement. Would have posted sooner, but was busy having awkward conversations about fathers with actual kids. I'm absolutely love pretend games right up to the moment when a kid roughly in the position of one of these two a few months on asks me to pretend to be their dad... But hey, my imagination's recovered now.**

Chapter Six - Waiting

Thorin paces. He can hear very little behind the thick oak door and so, to drown out the tumult of his mind, he paces. It is like nothing he has ever experienced before, this waiting. Normally disaster strikes, just like that – there is no waiting for news. He knows they are alive – someone has thought to inform him of that, at least – but little else. Not how they are, if his little sister is awake, if…

"Uncle Thorin?" The voice wavers.

A blonde head has popped around the doorway. Fíli has been cleaned up since Thorin last saw him, a neat line of stitches running down the side of his face. "Ma says can you stop pacing please?"

Thorin nods and opens his mouth to ask a question, but Fíli has already gone. He curses quietly, but does not dare try the door. At least Dís is awake then, and reasonably aware of what is going on. Perhaps her head is injured and the sound hurts her ears… Perhaps the healer will let him in soon, to see them. He needs to see Dís, he needs to see Kíli…

"Uncle?" Thorin has resumed his pacing again without even thinking about it. "Ma says can you go away please? You're scaring Kíli."

* * *

_He should have noticed. There were so many things he should have noticed. How Dís had been so… tentative with him sometimes, Fíli's overprotectiveness, Kíli's… Kíli's fear. He should have noticed, should have known that they were being kept from him, that last time he had gone, that that sickness had been an excuse to stop him seeing what was really going on. He should have listened to their silence, not the lying words._

_How had he forgotten what his family had used to be like? When his sister told him everything and her sons let him swing them round with glee, not hide in a corner? Why hadn't he noticed that innocence leave? When did he become so busy being a king that he forgot to be a brother? He knew the answer to that one. Long, long ago, when he had failed _his_ brother. The same way he had failed his sister, failed her sons, his heirs…_

Balin watches his king stare into the flames, knowing any attempt to speak with him is useless. All he can do is watch over him, and wait.

The waiting ceases and life returns when a woman walks in. Older than Thorin and careworn, with a manner mixing business-like and compassionate, she is the best – and the only – female healer the Blue Mountains can provide.

Thorin rises to his feet. "Darís. How-?"

"Sleeping. No, you may not go up."

"Is someone watching over them?"

"Fíli is."

"Bu-"

She cuts off his protest. "I know. I will return shortly and make sure that he rests too. At the moment he will not."

Thorin keeps quiet. Fíli is doing what Thorin should be, and he feels a glow of respect for that.

"I just came down to tell you that all is well and to put your mind at ease. You should rest too."

He ignores the last comment. "All is well? Their injuries-?"

"Nothing that will not heal."

Thorin looks at the floor. "Physically." He says quietly.

Darís inclines her head slightly. "They are hardy, and their love is very strong. Durin's folk. They will heal with time, and with help. All will be well."

Thorin leaps on this. "Let me see them then, let me-"

She gives one firm shake of her head and leaves.

_All will be well. Everything will be alright. Everything's fine, Thorin, honest. _Durin's name, how he's come to hate those words. Nothing will ever be right.

Balin watches Thorin, as Thorin watches the fire crumble into embers, unseeing.

* * *

**Yes, an original character, with a **_**name. **_**My daring knows no bounds.**


	8. Questions

Chapter Seven – Questions that cannot be answered

Thorin doesn't say anything as Darís swings open the door for him. Fíli sits between him and the bed, all watchful eyes, and moves only grudgingly, perching himself on the bed instead. Thorin takes the empty seat.

"Dís."

"Thorin." She smiles up at him, and he can't help but smile back.

"Dís, I'm sorry, I should have-"

She shakes her head gently and he ceases. This is a conversation that should happen later, when they are ready to talk and he is ready to understand. He asks a simpler question instead. "Where is-?"

Dís motions gently to a lump in the bed beside her. Thorin reaches over instinctively, but Fíli's twitch stops him. Instead, he looks pleadingly at Dís. She lowers her head stiffly, speaking gently to her youngest son. "Kíli? Your uncle Thorin is here. Will you come and see him?"

Silence fills the chamber, and Thorin bites his lip. "I will go if I'm, I'm not-" He cannot find the words for the feeling. Fíli burrows under the blanket and for a moment Thorin is terrified that he has lost the confidence of both of them, before soothing words begin to emerge from under the covers. A long moment later a tousled head emerges, followed by another.

"Kí, this is Uncle Thorin. Do you remember when you used to sit on his feet and we'd pretend you were riding a pony?"

Kíli just gives his uncle a dubious look, and when Thorin shifts slightly he quickly retreats under the covers. The flash of fear in his eyes hurts Thorin more than anything he has seen in the past few days. Kíli was too young back then, too young to remember the time… the time before this. So young that his father is the only clearly-remembered male figure in his life. Young enough that they simply mean fear.

Even worse, he can see the slight glimmer of distrust in Fíli's eyes. His ma and his brother on one side and everyone else on the other, with Fíli in the middle to protect them. And, perhaps even worse than both, he can tell from Dís' expression that she knows what he has seen.

He gets up suddenly. Too suddenly. "I had better go."

He is too old for this, and they are too young.

* * *

"I need to know what happened to them."

Darís turns to face him. "You know what happened to them."

"I need to know more!"

"You want details?"

Thorin pauses, suddenly unsure. "Yes."

She just looks incredulously at him. "You know I cannot do that."

"I am their family! Their only family! Tell me what happened!"

"Their father was also their family."

Thorin turns his head aside at her soft, bitter words. "I am not their father." Her expression flickers, just a little, so he continues. "Tell me what happened to my sister. Please."

"You do not need to know."

"I know he beat her, hurt her, look, please-"

"That is all you need to know."

The plates clatter and crash as Thorin's fist pounds into the oak table. "Fíli then, tell me what happened to Fíli. He does not seem much hurt."

"He is not" the old healer accedes. "He tells me that he smashed open a window and jumped out to come and fetch you. I believe that is where his injuries stem from."

"And Kíli, then? He is unhurt too? Just scared?" The seared memories are in his mind again. It had been dark, and Fíli had kept him from coming close enough to his brother to see. There was a chance…

She will not look at him, and that is all Thorin needs to know.

"He hurt him? He hurt him and did not hurt Fíli? He was a child, he cannot even talk-!"

"I have only seen anything such as this once before, and that a long time ago." Darís speaks slowly and carefully. "But I have heard that among men it is often the case that a younger child is… more at risk in these circumstances. They are more vulnerable, and-"

"-an easy way to control the mother." Thorin finishes bitterly. He looks up to see that Darís has her head in her hands. "No wonder Dís would tell me nothing. Fíli too." He clenches his fists.

"I suspect as much."

A vivid image of the bruise on Kíli's face surfaces in his mind. "How, what…?"

She looks up at him with red-rimmed eyes. "If I told you he had scars on his arms would you really ask to know more?"

Thorin swallows, feeling suddenly sick. "No. No, I would not." He pauses, the need to know and the desire not to, to crawl into the deepest mine shaft he can find, conflicting in his mind. "Does he?"

He gets no reply. The old healer's body shakes with silent sobs.

**I don't know if any of my kids have ever been hurt. I don't know, but I always wonder. But with over two dozen this year alone its seems unlikely that we could all have been that lucky. So who knows? I just hope, that's all. But it's hard not to wonder. **


	9. Would-be Fathers

**I left this a bit too long, then decided to get soppy and angsty again. Apologies in advance. **

Chapter 8 – Would-be Fathers

In between grief, the rage returns. "Dwalin, where is he?"

The dwarf leans heavily against the wall, looking directly into his king's face. "I'm sorry, Thorin."

Thorin waits, unsure as to whether he wants his brother-in-law to be alive or not. "Is he dead?"

Dwalin gives a stiff nod. "I'm sorry, Thorin. When I saw the lads, and Dís…"

He looks up into the sky as Dwalin's words run out. Dwalin had always been fond of his sister. He had known that for years. How much better for all of them, if…

"We should have exiled him." Thorin's words sound hollow even to his own ears.

"To do the same again?"

"He was-"

"Mad. I know. With grief."

"For his family." Thorin makes the necessary excuse, the one that's been chasing the facts around his head for days. He should have done more to help…

"For half his family. When you lost Frerín did you turn on Dís?" Dwalin checks his rising voice. "I'm sorry, Thorin. I should not have done it. He was your family, I see that."

"No. He was not." Thorin's heart is in his mouth, but he still utters the bitter words: "You did only what was right. I would have done the same."

"But you did not. For the lads' sake." Dwalin buries his head in his broad hands. "Thorin, please… Never tell them that it was I who did it."

_I wish you had been their father. _"I swear it."

* * *

"Uncle Thorin?"

Fíli sounds hesitant. It's surprising enough to see him away from his mother's side, even more so to see that his little brother isn't there with him. Thorin is instantly worried.

"What is it?"

"Is…" Fíli stumbles, then blurts it out. "Is Kíli really my brother?"

"Wh-? Of course. Who said he was not?"

"Da" comes the soft reply.

Thorin shakes his head ferociously. "Do you not remember when he was born and your father held you up to see him?"

"Da said he wasn't my full brother. That he was Ma's but not his."

Thorin's blood freezes in his veins and the words go numb in his mouth. "Whose son did he say he was?"

Fíli looks at the floor. "Yours."

"M-" Thorin had been ready to launch into an explanation of how although Kíli looks hailed mostly from the Durin side there were definitely traces of his father in his face. But memories were linking together in his mind… the way Fíli's father had looked at him when he had praised his son… "That's why he hurt him and not you, isn't it? Because he thought he was not his true son?"

Fíli nods stiffly. "He is my brother, isn't he? Truly?"

Thorin kneels down so that he's at eye-height. "Fíli, no one seeing the way you look after Kíli could doubt that."

"But-" Thorin instantly regrets his choice of words, "-I couldn't look after him. I tried, but I, I… I was useless. I never… I didn't stop him getting hurt!"

"We can't always, Fíli." Tears are beginning to run down Thorin's cheeks. "Not every time. Sometimes there is nothing we can do, because we are too young, or too far away. My little brother died in battle, when I was, well, not really so much older than you are now. We were separated in the fray and… I could not find him again. Not until the end, and then it was too late."

"But, but… That wasn't your fault."

"Exactly. Though it took me a long time to realise that." That's a lie. He still blames himself, when he wakes in the night. "And in the same way it is not your fault that Kíli got hurt. You did everything you could. It is thanks to you that he is alive today – you fair well saved his life when you ran to me in the night. It was one of the bravest deeds I've ever seen."

Thorin watches his sister-son swell with pride and happiness before his eyes. "I will look after him, Uncle Thorin. Always."

Thorin smiles, trying to wipe away unruly tears. "Then I wish you better luck than I."


	10. Milestones

**Thanks for all the reviews and lovely comments! This chapter's a bit of a let-down I'm afraid, what with it basically being a list of stuff I've noticed. Stuff to watch out for though. **

Chapter 9 - Milestones

As the weeks go by Thorin marks every little milestone with a silent shout of joy. The first time he hesitantly goes in to find Dís sat on a chair clumsily spinning, rather than propped up in bed. The first time the pair of them manage to coax Fíli to leave the room for an hour or two, to eat a meal in the hall, take a walk and get fresh air. The first time Kíli does not scarper to whichever of his protectors is closest the moment Thorin enters the room.

The best one is the first time he gets them all outside. Fíli leading his mother by the hand, and Dís in turn grasping a hesitant Kíli's.

As the weeks go by he notices things too. How Dís jumps every time a door opens. The way she smiles apologetically at Thorin when he notices her do it. The way Fíli notes things: people, exits, threats of any kind. How he always knows where the nearest weapon, or potential weapon, is. The tremble in Kíli's eyes at any sudden movement, the worried look on his face when someone speaks too loud. A hand clenched as often as possible in a mother's or a brother's. The way he clings to them but shies away from Thorin

The most fascinating thing is the way they watch over each other. It's a habit that endures, even after the other effects begin to die away. Thorin, watching over all of them, notices it all. Dís constantly checks on her sons: where they are, what they are doing, who is near them. Even when they reach the point where she will sit in the sunlight with her sewing whilst Thorin supervises the children's activities she will still wander up every so often, to see them, to be near them. Fíli is the same, constantly checking that both are safe and as happy as they can be. After a while, Thorin notices that even Kíli does it. That when he pauses in his aimless wanderings or looks away from Fíli's side to glance back towards his mother, he is not just checking that he is safe, but that she is as well. It makes his heart crack when he realises.

It is beautiful the way they grow in the sunlight, gaining confidence again. How Dís remembers how to smile a genuine smile, how Fíli remembers how to run for the sake of it, and how Kíli starts to hide from him out of mischief, rather than fear.

But there are still moments when Thorin cannot help but remember. Like when, only a day or so after his week-long illness, the heir to his throne refuses to follow him outside, anger, grief and incomprehension marring his young features. "Ma won't tell me where Da is."

He knew this would come. Dís knows now. Her sons do not.

"She won't tell me! She won't tell me anything! He might even be dead!" Fíli is rapidly becoming hysterical. "He's dead isn't he, he's dead! I hate her, I hate her, and I hate you and I hate this place and I want to go home! I hate it I hate it I hate it!"

Thorin tries to calm him down, and ends up wrestling a screaming kicking biting child to the ground. "Dís!"

"No! I hate her, I hate you, I hate you all!"

"Fíli, Fíli, calm down…" Dís is there too, but Fíli kicks out at her too, screaming words that Thorin assumes he can only have learnt off his father. Something else hits him, scratching frantically at his arms, and Thorin lets go of Fíli out of shock. It's the first physical contact his youngest sister-son has made with him since he brought back news of the raid. Kíli falls into his elder brother's arms and both Dís and Thorin back away as Fíli instantly turns away from his tantrum to comfort his terrified younger brother, glaring at both of them.

It doesn't make sense in Thorin's mind. The way they can deserve Fíli's hatred while he can still deem his father worthy of love.

It never will make sense. Over time he just learns to accept it instead.

**Had a kid do that to me once. I couldn't come up with much of an explanation either. I think something just snaps inside them sometimes, and they want it all to go away. And I just wanted to get it out of my head. So there. **


	11. The Innocence of Snow

**Paserak suggested some Thorin/Dwalin closure might make narrative sense, and I have endeavoured to provide. **

The Innocence of Snow

Winter's setting in now. That would make it nearly a year since this had all begun.

"Thorin?"

He turns his gaze away from the night sky beyond the window. "Yes?"

Dwalin settles down next to him. "Fíli asked me whether his father was dead" he says, without preamble.

"What did you tell him?"

"The truth."

Thorin doesn't move. "And?"

"He forgave me."

Thorin lets out a breath. "He forgave you?"

Dwalin nods simply. "I killed kin."

"He wasn't-"

"He was."

"But Fíli forgave you?"

"I think he wanted someone to tell him he was right to stab him. To be honest, Thorin, I think he might have thought that he had killed him."

"But it was just a…" Thorin buries his head in his hands. "If he hadn't he would probably have killed Kíli before we reached him."

"That's what I told him. And he said he'd rather have his brother than his father."

"And he knows you…?"

"Yes." Dwalin hangs his head. "He cried for a little while, but then he said it was probably better for his Ma and Kíli this way."

Thorin shrugs. "Dís… I'm not sure. She feels to blame. About everything. But Kíli… sometimes I hope he won't remember when he's older. That we can blanket it enough with other memories that he'll forget. I'm still not even sure how much he understands now."

"More than we think, I fear. But make sure to tell him he had a father. Don't let him lose that. None of us should forget that. He was…" Dwalin spreads his broad hands "… he was kin, after all. And a good enough man, before last year."

Thorin looks out of the window again, at the darkness waiting to flood in once the candles are blown out. He still holds an uneasy guilt in his heart for his treatment of his brother-in-law.

"I promised Fíli I'd take him to the grave tomorrow." Dwalin says quietly.

Up above them he can see the gems of the stars set in the heavens, burning even brighter in the winter dark. He turns his head. "I'll come too."

* * *

Snow. Beautiful fresh white pages of snow. He knows at once what he has to do.

Somehow they manage to persuade Dís to stay inside, leaving just Thorin and the lads to venture out alone. Not that either of the lads are recognisable. Dís has bundled them up in so many layers that Thorin can only tell them apart by their height. Fortunately Kíli sheds the hat and gloves almost immediately, despite his uncle's protests, and has disappeared into the snowdrifts before anyone can follow him with them. Chuckles and shrieks of delight follow his progress, and Thorin beams from ear to ear. This is probably the first time Kíli has ever been allowed to play in the snow.

Fíli follows him at once. Thorin does not even have any reservations about his idea when the elder brother teaches the younger how to form snowballs. Kíli has an unnerving level of accuracy.

"Uncle?"

Thorin accepts the cold pair of hands thrust into his warm ones and rubs the blood back into them. He crouches down to do the same for Kíli and is relieved when the child accepts. He still will not take his gloves back though. Grasping the tiny pair of hands Thorin suddenly swings him up into the air on impulse, and is glad when the sudden shock in the dark eyes turns into a scream of delight. Fíli still looks uneasy though, and so Thorin does something he has not even considered doing since he was fifty, hoping fervently that no one is watching through the windows.

"Snow stars!" Fíli shouts delightedly. "Look Kíli, Uncle Thorin's making snow-stars!" It's not long before he joins in. Considering that some of the drifts are higher than the young dwarf is tall, the stars formed are pretty impressive. Fíli's hair sparkles with snow and Kíli runs round him, pushing his big brother into snowdrifts. Thorin just stands back, watching his sister-sons become children again.

"Uncle, look, I've got wings now. Like a swan." Thorin brushes the feather- flakes of snow off Fíli's shoulder-blades to reveal the muddy marks beneath, absent-mindedly forming it into a snowball and making to throw it at the dark-haired mop scrambling around in the heap of snow in front of him.

"No!" Fíli grabs his wrist before he can let go. In front of him Kíli freezes, then bolts.

Thorin stops himself mid-curse and takes off after the child, which only makes Kíli scramble away faster. "Kíli, no!" The lad is clambering along the top of the wall, deep drifts on either side. His uncle's shout just makes him stumble and Thorin's heart drops as he trips and is swallowed by the drift beneath. "Kíli-!"

But peals of delightful excited giggles are now coming from the drift, as Kíli scrambles up on top of the wall to leap down again. And again. Thorin sighs with relief, and has just turned back towards the hall to check that Dís isn't watching him give her sons hypothermia when the most wonderful sound he's ever heard comes from behind him.

"Fí! Fí!"

Kíli reaches out his hands for his brother to scoop him up and rescue him from the hole he's made, and Fíli dutifully does so.

"Fí!"

It's nearly three years too late, but it's the most beautiful first word Thorin has ever heard.

**Ok, that feels slightly out of sync, but the two halves were written a considerable amount of time apart. The snow bit was written after a session playing (unsurprisingly) in the snow, which dates it considerably, the first bit was written in a bit of a rush tonight to try and plug a narrative hole. I associate these two little ones enough with my own now that I would not presume to show Fíli at his father's grave – as far as I'm concerned it's enough to know that they went. It's more closure than most of mine have had, but I suppose that's one of the main benefits a story has over real life. Now I just wish I could give others that gift. **


	12. Epilogue

**And a short little thing to bring it all full circle. My sincerest thanks to all of you for reading, and hopefully for understanding. If I've taught just one of you some of the signs that suggest something is wrong then this has all been worth it. **

Epilogue: Beorn's house

From outside the door Thorin can hear the cries echoing, and for a moment he hesitates as to whether to go in. But really he has no choice. He is their uncle, after all.

Kíli is curled up in the corner of the bed, wrapped tight in the sheets and shaking. Thorin sits down beside him carefully, but does not reach out to comfort him, as he wants to.

"Kíli? Kíli? Shush, it's just a dream, just a dream…" Fíli is crouched beside his brother, who flinches away when he touches him. "Kíli? It's me."

"Fí?" The dark pair of eyes are halfway between sleep and wakefulness. "I dreamt… Da was an orc… he, he… Fí?"

"I'm here." Fíli wraps his arms around his younger brother. "He's gone. We're safe."

Kíli tucks his head under his brother's chin, curling back into him as Fíli runs his fingers through his hair, whispering something that Thorin cannot hear, and does not want to.

Thorin watches them fade back into sleep together, and finds himself once again humming the old lullaby under his breath.

"_Far over the Misty Mountains cold…"_

They'll get there in the end.


End file.
